My word for 2019 is happiness.
I have a confession to make and it’s gonna shock the shit outta you. Are you ready? Okay, here goes – I’m not happy. I honestly don’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I know you see me all jokey n’ shit but most days it’s just a mask.
I’ve been faking the funk and it’s taking a toll on me, and I’m tired y’all.
I’m. Fucking. Tired.
What’s making me unhappy?
Honestly speaking, it’s my home life. Specifically, where I live and who I live with. No, it’s not Jeff and the kids. You see, I live with my in-laws and the clash of age, culture, and common sense leaves me wanting to scream. But instead of fighting yet another battle I know I’ll never win, (cause common sense never prevails) I bottle it up, keep quiet and go on about my day. That is until I boil over and start taking my frustrations out on those closest to me – Jeff and the kids. If I could afford to visit my therapist I’m pretty sure she would diagnose me with some form of depression. That’s how bad it is.
How do I know? Cause like most people with an internet connection I looked up depression on WebMD and I found that I suffer from 10 out of 13 symptoms. Some of which include: fatigue, feeling hopeless, trouble concentrating, and irritability to name a few. I can go through a range of emotions that leave me feeling just plain out of it. I feel trapped within the walls of my body and the walls of this house, and I need to break free but there’s no place to break free to.
How long have I been wearing a mask?
Who the hell knows, but I know the mask has gotten thicker and right now it’s so heavy I can hardly hold my head up. So much so, it’s causing a number of issues hence the reason for my new year’s health and wellness goals. I’m sick of existing like this. I need to make a change and fast.
How the hell do I find my happiness?
The most obvious thing is to move. We know this and we’ve been working on it. Trust me. Our new goal, come hell or high water is to be out by the end of the school semester. But in the meantime, another obvious place to look for happiness is within me.
I hear a lot of people talking about speaking things into existence. Well, here’s another truth bomb, privately I’ve been speaking very negatively about everything in my life. So how can I expect the universe to give me any positivity when I haven’t put any out in the world? It took a long time for me to understand that I control my happiness.
My problem was I was pointing fingers at those around me for the cause of my misery. I cannot look for others to give me something that only I can give myself. I also can’t expect Jeff to add my happiness to his to-do list. He’s got enough shit to deal with as provider for our family. I need to get my ass on a white horse and save myself.
After some research I’ve found six ways I can start bringing happiness back into my life:
Wake up with positivity
The first thing I’ve started telling myself when I wake up is, “Today is gonna be a great day.” or “I’m gonna get a lot done today.” These positive affirmations set the tone for the day. If I’m thinking and speaking positively there’s no room for me dwell on the negative.
This is a biggie. One, while I complain about where I live and with whom I need to be grateful I have a place to live. Others aren’t so fortunate. Two, I’m not living here alone. I have Jeff and the kids. They should be my only focus and I need to enjoy spending time with them and not worrying about the other people I live with.
Go back to therapy
Therapy can be expensive. Those co-pays add up. But I need to go at least once a month to talk to someone about my thoughts and feelings. Keeping them bottled up is no way to live and it’s not fair to my family to emotionally unload on them. And if I can’t get to therapy I need to open myself more to Jeff in a way that’s not offputting so that we both can get things off of our chests and work on a solution together.
Update my vision board
I’ve had the same vision board for at least 5 years. I look at it every day but I don’t really look at it. Which is why I’m gonna toss it and start anew. I’ve already started flipping through old mags and I see I’m more drawn to visuals that invoke happiness and serenity. I’m going to decorate my work area with peaceful imagery as a way to surround myself with happiness.
Do things that I love
I’ve gotten into the habit of making time for things and people that bring me joy. I love ending my day reading an article or book chapter, going to meditation on Friday mornings, and spending Sunday’s in bed with Jeff watching Netflix. These things help me find the inner peace I need in order to make it through the week.
No matter how big or how small all achievements need to be celebrated. Like cleaning out the boxes of crap in the closet, Jeff getting a job in a new career, our 10 year wedding anniversary, Sierra receiving glowing remarks from all her teachers, and Lil’ Jeff’s speech improvements. This also includes daily achievements like the kids cleaning their room or putting laundry away. It’s all about keeping it positive.
Choosing happiness for my word of the year was an easy choice. The moment the word hit me I and started seeing how the word made me feel I knew it was the right decision. And these are things I’m going to stop doing once we move? No. I’m going to keep doing them cause no matter where we go it’s important that I’m living my happiest life.